1. Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.
2. Put them on the front porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo.
3. Put some giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on the door: “Bubba: Me & Bertha went for more ammo and beer. Back soon. Don’t mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don’t think Killer took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of ‘em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. Cooter”